Sarah Rose Lochelt

Conversation, Connection & Coffee

Hiding Onstage

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DROP_GretzingerTheUndoing_Album

I am just catching up on the miracle that is Steffany Gretzinger’s 2014 album, “The Undoing”. This album, her first full solo piano album, comes from a place of deep vulnerability and rawness, which is precisely what pulls listeners into her worship and her questions. The words of her songs echoed and formed my prayers, my communication with God – in this recent challenging season.

…

As we discern how genuine and honest we are to be in singing, writing, teaching, and leading, we often run into the line of “appropriate” vulnerability. How much can be shared about our own pain and processes before we make our audience uncomfortable? How honest can we be in describing our doubts before our “fit for leadership” is examined? When is sharing our experiences helpful, when is it distracting, and when is it self-serving? Is there a clear line anywhere that we can make a “share this, not this” list? It doesn’t seem so.

Read the rest of the post over here at Project Wow!

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Perfectionism as Fear

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If you like to read, especially non-fiction, you start to sense when an author is circling around a particular idea, even before they reveal it. I think it’s beautiful and suspenseful, almost like cinema, and love to underline the “ah-ha” moment when they finally get it down in words.

Today, I read one such line from Elizabeth Gilbert in her book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. The interesting thing about this line was that she wasn’t the only one who was orbiting around this precise idea leading up to its statement. I was, too. I just didn’t know it until I read it.

“I think perfectionism is just a high-end,
haute couture version of fear.”

I was light years away from being able to put this wisdom into words. There’s just been something eating away at me surrounding this concept for the past few weeks, and this is it. It’s an inextricable connection…maybe more than that, maybe not a connection, but a definition, of perfectionism, that it is simply fear. Fancy fear parading as a white-knuckled commitment to high quality and hard work.

Now, certainly there are people who genuinely value high quality and hard work, and I do consider myself one of those people. But perfectionism is a whole other beast to be reckoned with. It’s the voice of “not good enough”, and it has hidden itself so deeply within my psyche that I often overlook its tendrils extending into not so much what I think about my world, but how I think about it. It’s the fear that jumps ahead of me and colors each experience, each conversation, and each attempt at anything with the shades of “success” or “failure” and no chance for anything in between.

Walking forward, it’s not just a lesson about “being okay with failure”, though that is part of it. Rather, it’s about overcoming my obsession with a constant evaluation of myself, my efforts, and my performance. It’s about letting go of the power that I gain from meeting my expectations, and the disappointment I take up when I fall short of them. It’s a struggle to give up the control of my little world and figuring out the “rightness” of it. It’s handing over the question of whether I am “good enough”, trusting that it’s not my job to figure that out, and that I trust the One whose hands that remains in.

I believe that truth like this shines light on the things that scare us, the things that keep us shackled to limitations and shame, and with every unmasking of lies, truth takes deeper root. That’s what I’m going after.

 

WHY WE RAISE OUR VOICES

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2014 Nobel Peace prize winner Malala Yousafzai said in her United Nations address, “I raise up my voice – not so that I can shout, but so that those without a voice can be heard.” 

There’s something here that young Malala understands deeply about her voice. Many of us have powerful (literal and figurative) voices and platforms that amplify what we say. This awards us opportunity and responsibility. This means that our voices are heard, or read, by many, and this gives weight to our words. What is their purpose? How do we choose them? Scripture is clear that those of us who teach and lead, those who hold a microphone in our hands within the church body on a regular basis, are to be judged more harshly for what we do with that honor. Do we take that seriously?

I’m over at Project WoW today, talking about why we raise our voices. Read the rest here…

 

Rise & Shine!

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I love mornings. Now, I’m not one of those spring-out-of-bed-cheerful-and-ready-for-the-day people. (Do those people really exist?) I wake up and hit the snooze immediately most mornings, and eventually roll out of bed and start the process of waking up.  I do like the mornings, though, and when I do get up and get the day started, I love the feeling of being productive and accomplished in the a.m.
There’s an awesome post from November on The Yellow Blog about mornings, and the amount of pressure and disappointment we feel about all the things that should get done before we get out of the house, that are usually totally unrealistic. In the spirit of the New Year and living in a new (to me) house, I thought it would be a great time to re-vamp the morning routine with their tips and some reality-checked expectations.

There were some good general tips about mornings, like in order to avoid decision fatigue, think through as much as you can the night before, and to be realistic, just add one new practice at a time. My favorite and most useful part of the article, though, was her section on goal and priorities. She says, “the first step in creating your perfect morning ritual is asking yourself what it is you truly need from the start of your day. How do you want to feel when you leave for work?” She wanted to feel “present, connected, creative, and clear-sighted“, and so she made an action plan to turn those into tangible steps!

When I leave in the morning (for work or wherever), I want to feel:

  • Awake & Present
  • Connected to God
  • Connected to my self & body
  • Connected to my purpose

That means that I have to take some specific steps, too!

  1. To be Awake & Present, I will wake up at a time earlier than “the last possible minute before I am going to be rushing out the door and potentially late to work” – this means no more snoozing my alarm! 14 days to make a habit, right? Here we go.
  2. To be Connected to God, I will spend time each morning before I start getting ready, in slow, quiet, and honest prayer, talking to God about what’s coming up in that day, submitting my fears and uncertainties to His capable hands, and reminding myself of all the ways He has been faithful, and will continue to be that day.
  3. To be Connected to My Self & Body, I will stretch and spend a few minutes breathing deeply to start the day. This one takes so little time, but makes a marked difference in my physical and emotional health. Eventually, I will add in eating breakfast to this habit, but this season isn’t one where that works. I’ll stick with my coffee at work. 🙂
  4. To be Connected to My Purpose, I will consider the many things I have to be grateful for, especially in my work and ministry, and open myself up to the ways and relationships through which God can work there, so that I can begin the day hopeful and receptive to His purposes that give my life direction.

It seems that the key to my happiness in the morning routine comes from doing things slowly, so that will be my mantra in this new season – giving myself time and space to move slowly and to settle into my self and my life each morning.

Here’s to 2016 and slower mornings for me. How will you take control of the morning madness in this new year?

 

 

 

2016

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My first success of 2016 is not posting this until AFTER December January 1st. I’m not kidding! Instead of stressing about getting this up “on time”, I enjoyed the time over the holidays with the people I love, and I feel 100% great about that. Here’s to the new year and some of my own goals and hopes for what it will bring about…

In 2016, I will work on my SFD.

SFD is author Anne Lamott’s abbreviation for a “Shitty First Draft” and it’s the raw, unedited, non-censored first set of words that an author must start by writing. It’s an absolutely irreplaceable part of the writing process that I, as a recovering perfectionist, have a distinctly difficult time with. She writes,

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.” (Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird)

When I write this year, I’m going to put words on paper more quickly and with less fussing, keeping in mind that I don’t have to write perfectly, or even well, on the first draft. I will focus more on getting it on the paper and editing later. This means saying “no” to the voice of perfectionism that so holds captive the valuable creative process!

In 2016, I will live focused on abundance (rather than scarcity).

I’ve mentioned this concept of the scarcity mindset a few times this year, and it just keeps coming up. You will read several posts here this year about how the scarcity mindset hinders the development and health of our relationships, and how so much of it has snuck into our minds and hearts without us noticing. We must stop looking at our communities as places where “I lose if you win,” like there is only so much love, fame, knowledge, success, approval, etc. to go around. Instead, I will choose to celebrate the victories of others and to remember that “I don’t have to hustle for my worthiness.” (thanks, Brene Brown!)

In 2016, I will communicate more honestly. 

I’ve set out specific ways that we want to be more honest and clear, and also ways to be a better listener. I want to honor these commitments, and to continue to be open and humble enough to learn what God has been and will continue to teach me about communication. I want to be better at speaking the truth of what I am thinking and feeling, and stand firmly with that, despite how vulnerable it may feel.

In 2016, I will practice relaxing.

I know, I know, but this is for real. I have a lot of overlapping and sometimes mutually exclusive expectations that I’m balancing at any given moment, and 99% of those are my own doing. I’m learning to recognize those, to moderate them and speak softly about them, but they still take over my decisions sometimes. This year, I want to practice relaxing, taking a breath, and letting things go. This anxiety shows up in all kinds of ways, including in my physical health, and I am committed to changing that this year.

In 2016, I will write more consistently.

My final goal will be taking place here on this blog (and over at Project Wow every month, too!) I’ll be doing a few more month-long series, including one on Ephesians. Keep an eye out for that coming soon!

 

 

P.S. Rachel Dawson over at Yellow Co. wrote this great article about choosing just one word for your year! Check it out and leave a comment about what YOUR word is for 2016! I’m still working on mine!

 

 

Christmas & Scarcity

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Full disclosure: I really do think that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. I absolutely walk with a little spring in my step when the weather gets (a little bit) colder and Christmas music floats in through all the speakers. I’m a Christmas person. (I explain why here.)

However, this certainly does not make me immune to the monster of expectations and comparisons that springs up during this potentially-crazy-busy-season. As December began, I thought about lists and presents and money and all of a sudden was NOT full of the Christmas Spirit. I found myself fully absorbed, instead, in what Allison Vesterfelt calls a “scarcity mindset”:

A persistent feeling of not-enoughness—feelings of inadequacy, fear of going without, a lack of self-confidence—most often stemming from negative thought patterns around time, money and energy.

Her recommendation when this arises is to combat it with the opposing and truth-loving mindset, which is one of abundance:  

An abundance mindset is, very simply, changing the story we tell ourselves surrounding our experiences of enough. It is taking the same desires, circumstances and experiences we’ve always had surrounding money, time and energy and changing the story we tell ourselves about it. Same experiences. Different story.

The difference is like NIGHT and DAY. Truly. And so much of this season and it’s joy rests on “the stories we choose to tell ourselves,” as Brene Brown would say. I need a pretty consistent reminder of this, as my own stories can spiral a bit when my emotions take over. I want to choose to slow down, be grateful, and enjoy this time of year.

For this season, here are some of the reminders I’m giving myself so that I can enjoy the season and combat those voices of scarcity…

Give people the gift of my attention – get enough sleep to be healthy and alert enough to offer my undivided focus.

Don’t stress about money or timeliness with gifts – buy what I can, when I can, and choose to be content, and to believe that others can be content, with that. 

Attend every Christmas service possible. You can never say “thank you” to God too much in this season, nor can you worship with the church family enough. 

Spend more time being thankful – exchange daily gratitude texts with Sean.

Be joyful without apology – the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!

Spend time instead of money – say “yes” to coffee dates and time together to catch up in this season.

Slow down – take a deep breath and say a prayer every hour, especially at work.

Be a cheerful and generous giver in this season. Focus on blessing others.

It doesn’t always come naturally or easily to fight back against that consumeristic, never-enough mindset, but it is the only hope for us to live in this season without being swept away by that scarcity tidal wave. How are you choosing to tell yourself the true stories in this season when it is so easy to feel like not enough…?

 

Waiting on the Lord

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In her book, Restless, Jennie Allen writes, 

“I am beginning to think God’s favorite word in the entire universe is WAIT.” 

Throughout Scripture, God worked in and through all different kinds of people, and one of the very few things they had in common was that at some point, they waited on the Lord. I’m talking about a significant period of their lives spent waiting. When I read stories like that of Joseph waiting years for a prophecy to be fulfilled, or of Sarah and Abraham waiting decades for a child, my focus is on the result of their years of waiting – the gift they received at the end! Whether it was a long-awaited offspring or the position of power that had been promised, it seems that everything was “worth the wait” because of the blessing that came in the end. 

Folks, let me be honest and admit – that is not enough for me…….

I’m over at Project WOW this morning, head over to their site to read the rest!

 

Updates

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If you have talked to me anytime in the past…year, then you know that my saving grace has been the truth that “all seasons have an end” and that “things aren’t always going to be the way they are today”. That has been the hope, and thank goodness, that has been the reality! There has been so much refreshing change in my life. One season has ended and another has begun, and it’s revitalizing and challenging in great ways!

It has been two whole months of silence here on the blog, I am so sorry! Life has been a whirlwind, and keeping my head above water is about all I could do those days! Here’s what’s been going on…

CHURCH – I stepped out of my ministry role at Cornerstone at the beginning of this school year in September, which was so bittersweet after almost 7 years of serving there. I love the people at that church, and the youth ministry is absolutely incredible! I miss it a lot, but I know that committing fully to my church and community at Christian Assembly was what was the priority, and that has been great. I’m involved in their Fusion community on Sunday nights, and have been co-leading a group in their recovery ministry that I absolutely love. It’s so nice to be all-in at one church and get to invest fully!

JOB – I recently accepted a position in the Office of University Advancement here at APU, which meant saying a tearful goodbye to my friends in Discipleship Ministries/Campus Pastors/Chapel Programs, after working there for 5 years, and scooting over to my new office on West Campus. It’s a different arm of the university than I’ve experienced previously in Student Life, but I’m really enjoying it. The work is all new and interesting and I am learning a whole lot, and the staff in this office are fantastic. Also, it’s a full-time position, so praise the Lord, I have health benefits! 🙂

SCHOOL – I went to APU from 2005-2009, and then did my Master’s at CBU from 2012-2013, and haven’t done anything academic since in the last 2 years. For some, this is a welcome respite from studying and reading, even a lifetime one. For me, it’s a forced break to stop accumulating student loans and start paying them back. I am so excited to be working full-time in higher ed., though, and to have the chance to take a class here each semester for free, so I’ve applied to a Master’s in English program here and hope to start in the spring, doing that one class at a time.

HOME – The saddest part of all the changes is that our lovely Duell House has officially disbanded! Two of the lovelies are getting married in the coming months, and the other is moving out of state in January. After living together for 5 years, we are all parting and going out separate ways, which is so sad and truly the end of an era. We are all so excited about our new life seasons, but it was so sad to say goodbye and to wake up the next day in an unfamiliar house without the familiar roommate-sounds of getting ready in the morning that I’ve gotten used to over these years. I’m thankful that I found an awesome young family to rent a room from for the next few months while I figure out what my housing will look like in the coming years, and I feel super lucky to have them as roommates for now! 🙂

roomies
The Duell House roomies <3

All that to say, there has been a LOT of change in my life recently, and it is all quite welcomed and appreciated. I’m in the process of getting used to this new season and practicing lots of gratitude for it as I settle in. It seems fitting that I bought a set of three journals labeled “Chapter 1”, “Chapter 2”, and “Chapter 3” a few months ago, and just finished the 1st chapter as all of this started to change. I’ve been challenged by what it means to “Love your neighbor” in a season where almost all of those “neighbors” in my life are different than they have been in the last 2,3,5,7 year, but that is an exciting, fresh challenge that is so vitally important. Here’s to the changing tides.

What I’m Into: August 2015 Edition

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* Links to books in my posts may contain affiliate links, which means that if I recommend a book and you click on the link to order that book from Amazon, I can receive a commission for that sale  
(at no extra cost to you

What I’m Reading:

This was a GREAT month for books! Here’s what I read, and I loved every one of these! 🙂 Also just ordered my copy of Jen Hatmaker’s new book “For the Love” that I can’t wait to open up! 🙂

Wearing God: Clothing, Laughter, Fire, and Other Overlooked Ways of Meeting God by Lauren F. Winner 

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships by Henry Cloud & John Townsend 

Simplify: Ten Practices to Unclutter Your Soul by Bill Hybels

A Long Obedience in the Same Direction: Discipleship in an Instant Society by Eugene Peterson

Restless: Because You Were Made for More by Jennie Allen 

Men Explain Things to Me by Rebecca Solnit

The Gift of Being Yourself by David G. Benner and M. Basil Pennington 

The Perfectionist’s Handbook: Take Risks, Invite Criticism, and Make the Most of Your Mistakes by Jeff Szymanski

Sacred Pathways:Discover Your Soul’s Path to God by Gary Thomas

On the Internets:

“The Most Comfortable Position” – This is exactly the encouragement I needed when it comes to relationships. what an amazing piece!

“All The Single Ladies: Why Movies Need More Platonic Pairings” – The title says it all. come on, Mad Max!

“An Open Letter to Amy Schumer” – More serious than you’d assume.

“10 Questions for Target Critics Regarding “Boys’ Toys” and “Girls’ Toys”” – A snarky, well-written response to CBMW.

“Stephen Colbert Shares Why He Thinks Women Should Be in Charge of Everything” – Duh.

What I’m Writing:

Inspired by Shauna Niequist’s list, I wrote my own “Things I Do and Things I Don’t Do” list!

Also working on my talk for the upcoming {Be}Loved Young Women’s Conference! So excited to be a part of this! You can find more information and the registration link here!

What I’ve Been Up To:

The summer is drawing to a close, here are some fun pictures from the last month or so! 🙂

august 1 IMG_0305august 2 august 3

Top left – Celebrating my roomie who is getting married in just over two months!

Top right – My first time salsa dancing! It was SO much fun!

Bottom left – Our staff are all back at work, we kicked it off with a beach day!

Bottom right – my friend Lisa came to visit! And of course we had great Mexican food together, as per usual.

Things I Do and Things I Don’t Do

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* Links to books in my posts may contain affiliate links, which means that if I recommend a book and you click on the link to order that book from Amazon, I can receive a commission for that sale (at no extra cost to you)!

One of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, has this great section in her book Bittersweet (if you don’t already have this, for goodness sake, buy it! Amazon has it for $11.16, or if you are local, we sell it in our office for $5!) that constantly challenges, refreshes, and encourages me. In it, she describes her fascination with people who can “do it all” –

“I love the illusion of being able to do it all, and I’m fascinated with people who seem to do that, who have challenging careers and beautiful homes and vibrant minds and well-tended abs. Throw in polite children and a garden, and I’m coming over for lessons.”

She talks about having lunch with her friend Denise, one of those admirable, seems-like-she-has-it-all-together-kind of women, who gave Shauna this advice,

“It’s not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What’s hard, she said, is figuring out what you’re willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about.”

Later, Shauna writes about being in the throes of all her own expectations, writing “DO EVERYTHING BETTER” on her to-do list, and feeling completely exhausted by the efforts. She describes that list item,

“The three together, DO EVERYTHING BETTER, are a super-charged triple threat, capturing in three words the mania of modern life, the anti-spirit, anti-spiritual, soul-shriveling garbage that infects and compromises our lives. And I’m the one who wrote those words on my very own to-do list. I’m in a lot of trouble with my own self for that, because the “do everything better” way of living brought me to a terrible place: tired, angry, brittle, afraid, hollow. And Denise’s words keep ringing in my ears, a song I had heard in the distance, like steel drums across the water, a song I want desperately to hear again. She was right. Deciding what I wanted wasn’t that hard. But deciding what I’m willing to give up for those things is like yoga for your superego, stretching and pushing and ultimately healing that nasty little person inside of you who exists only for what people think…The grandest seduction of all is the myth that DOING EVERYTHING BETTER gets us where we want to be. It gets us somewhere, certainly, but not anywhere worth being.”

As a result, she comes up with her “Things I Do” and “Things I Don’t Do” lists! For those of us with overstretched personal boundaries and an inclination to try and “Do Everything Better” – this is a great practice! I spent a lot of time thinking through what I do and what I don’t do, and who I want to be and who I don’t want to be. It took longer than I’d anticipated. Here’s what I came up with…

Things I Do:

Above all else, I aspire to orient every aspect of my life around God. I want to wholeheartedly serve others because I was first undeservedly pursued and shown grace and rescued by Him. His mercy and grace for me have created the entire foundation of my life.

I am committed to the local church, with all her flaws and broken people. I want to serve for my entire life and find ways to pour into the next generation, whatever that looks like. The best way I’ve found to do that is in the context of small groups of people who can admit they need help, and having the chance to see God provide that help.

I have a close community of friends with whom I can freely share and trust, and I work to be a good friend to each of them and to initiate time for all of us to spend together. I know those people who are on my home team, and I also recognize the people who are on my radar at more of a distance, and that I’ve committed to pouring out into through mentoring and discipling relationships.

I love through communication and words. The way that I connect with people is through intentionality and through conversation, and I have structured my life in such a way to foster and facilitate that. I also love to read, and know that I am most healthy mentally when I have an input from other voices and wisdom through books. I recognize my limits and the finite amount of time and energy that I possess. I know how much external, social interaction is beneficial to me and others, and when I need to retreat and rest and be alone, preferably reading.

I have a deep affinity for organizing and consolidating and throwing things away. I’m not a minimalist, necessarily, especially when it come to books, but knowing that there is a place for everything and that there aren’t piles of unnecessary junk hiding in my closet or garage gives me great satisfaction.

At the end of that list, Shauna includes a last item that I thought was hilarious – “And then there are, of course, a few other things I do, just for being a person in America who does not have a personal assistant and is not, say, the president. This list includes, but is not limited to: trips to the DMV, laundry folding, diaper buying, and occasional flossing. Even if I did have a personal assistant, I would stipulate that I still do my own flossing, because I’m just that grounded.”

Things I Don’t Do:

I try really hard not to commit to anything that I don’t intend to do. I make it a distinct priority to follow through on what I say, which often means taking a moment to think strategically and realistically before I answer a question.

I don’t play the food shame game (any more). I don’t consider food in categories of “good” or “bad” or in whether I “deserve” a meal based on the amount of exercise I have done or intend to do. I don’t need that food shame in my life, and so I categorically avoid that line of thinking.

I avoid watching scary movies (any more). In the same vein as the food, I don’t need scary images in my brain, so I choose movies outside that genre. There are more than enough incredible movies to spend time watching without those.

I don’t do snow sports. I suck at being cold and I have a good friend who is paralyzed from a snowboarding accident. It’s just not on my radar.

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The second list was way harder to come up with! And these lists will surely continue to be updated as I figure these things out about myself. For now, though, here it is.

I’m working on being satisfied with who I am today in the process of becoming who I’m going to be, and letting my “Yes” be “Yes” and my “No” be “No” and not to compare my life to anyone else’s. Here’s to the process!